In the Middle of Crazy...My Schedule, Not State of Mind (at least not yet)

I’m taking a moment to pause.  To breathe.  To rest. 

I’m in the middle of crazy, but I don’t want to become crazed in the process.  The to-do list is relentless: birthday party planning, hubby homecoming (after a year apart), seeing friends one last time and moving in 4 weeks!

Handsome Little Man celebrated his birthday last week.  Although I do enjoy party planning, I just didn’t have the strength or brainpower to plan every detail for his party this year, especially since we weren't sure if his Daddy would return in time for it.  I can work myself up with the details.  See post from last year.  In this neighborhood, birthday parties are very much a big deal.  Not necessarily a spectacle, but still a money-plunking adventure requiring action and a long invitee list.  Oh no, this is not just a party at the house with a bunch of friends, cake and a few games.  It’s a fairly big production:  Think laser tag, gymnastics, bouncy obstacle courses.  Or themed house parties.  The couple of home parties the boy has attended included a Science Show where they watched a scientist conduct experiments, and a secret spy party to include an obstacle course in the backyard.  Parents of Arlington love a good theme! 

I could have put a stop to the crazy, the keeping up with the Joneses.  I could have emphasized celebration in simplicity.  But I didn’t.  I want the boy to have the party he wants, which at first was a party at the house with a CHIMA Lego theme.  This request was met with an emphatic no.  Our house without a good yard would be a tad too tight for a bunch of energetic boys celebrating.  His alternate request was a party at Pump It Up.  I thought this idea was fantastic, more so because they do everything, down to the parting gift bags.  I was responsible for sending out invitations online and handing over my credit card at the end. Pricey but worth it. (And of course, thank you notes, which Birthday Boy is working on.  He’s not allowed to open gifts until the thank you notes are written.). 

Birthday Boy is a sweaty mess but very happy!

The birthday also coincided with the return of my husband, after a very long year apart.  Thankfully, he came home before Handsome Little Man’s birthday and was able to join in the celebration.  With all the excitement with Daddy’s return (We made signs.  We had a countdown calendar.), I couldn’t deal with party planning details.  Hubby arrived to thunderous clapping (USO does a great homecoming for the troops at BWI.) of random people and the biggest smiles and hugs from his adoring kids.  I gave him a big smooch, handing over the reins of responsibility of the children, and made a mad dash to the bathroom.  After 2 hours of sitting in traffic (driving from Arlington to BWI during rush hour – 50 miles), we arrived at the airport late, or so I thought.  Not realizing it would take forever to get through customs AND because USO personnel made it seem like the troops were going to be coming out at any minute, I waited to go to the bathroom.  I didn’t want to chance missing his entrance.  So 70 minutes later, he arrives.  I dash.

I give high praise to Hubby.  After 21 hours of travel, on the very next day, Daddy Extraordinaire chaperoned Handsome Little Man’s last field trip of the year to the National Zoo.  I don’t think there was a happier boy on that field trip than my son.

The crazy continues.  Yesterday was last day of school for Diva Darling.  I finished up thank you cards and teacher gifts to be delivered when I picked her up.   Not that I was waiting until the last minute or anything.  I like to think I operate under a just-in-time philosophy.

It’s the start to a holiday weekend.  I’m coming up with ideas for family fun!  Yay!  So very grateful for family fun.  BUT never far from my mind is the pending move which is 4 weeks away.  We had a pre-move survey scheduled this afternoon.  Showing someone else the contents of my house makes me reconsider how much stuff really is enough for a family of four.  I only cringed a few times (i.e. the attic, the medicine cabinet and the toy room.) and I realize I still have a fair amount of work to do.  This whole head-in-the-sand denial, temper tantrum stage must go.  Otherwise, I will be in a completely unorganized mess when the packers arrive in 3 weeks.

  

Hubby will be packing up and shipping out next week as his report date is before the school year ends.  I have spent all week setting up accounts for our new house.  Next week, I will be closing accounts for our old.  Thank god, I’m organized, right?   

And if that isn't enough, we are still socializing and entertaining, trying to squeeze in a few good-byes.  Today we had our awesome neighbors over for brunch crepes.  The fun just never ends, nor should it.  Better fun than crazy.

Good times!

“I don’t wanna!” she said with a stomp and a glare.

“I don’t wanna!” she said with a stomp and a glare. 

Actually, that’s me and not my toddler.  I have been having an epic temper tantrum for weeks now over moving back to Texas.  I do not want to move this year.  Or next year.  Or ever, really.

His orders tell me otherwise.  Yet I am resisting, which makes the moving process more difficult than usual.

How do you overcome the resistance, when once again your desires are not, cannot be really, taken into account?  How do you graciously pack up your closer-to-perfect life you have here to go back to a place you have been before and swore you’d never go back?

I no longer know how to be gracious about this move.  I cannot put on the happy face and say “We’ll make do.  It’s only 2 years.”  My well of enthusiasm and optimism that usually accompanies each move runs dry.

I am a Seasoned Spouse, too.  I know the routine.  So I am not sure why this move is the hardest to accept.  I can’t even follow my own positive attitude, upbeat advice that I have given over the years.

Now what?  What advice do you give a cranky, seasoned spouse that a return to base X can only be better than before?  And if it’s not, that she will graciously survive?!

Wallowing in a Moody Abyss of Doubt and Indecision

Calm. Envy. Depression.  Anger. Solitude. Reset. Gratitude.

That has been my cycle in the past 24 hours.

Yesterday I was feeling calm because I was productive.  I was enjoying my day.  I am loathe to admit it but I was almost feeling “excited” about the upcoming move.  More so because now my days have purpose.  I have so much to do that I don’t have time to think about what I want.  I am just living, day to day, as fully as I can be.  My March Madness includes:

·         10 day Grandparents Visit

·         Parent-Teacher conferences for both kids/No school

·         Darling Diva’s Birthday

·         Cristin’s Baby Sprinkle

·         Spring Break (What to do with 2 kids for 10 days on a budget!)

·         Easter

·         Househunting/Plan upcoming trip to TX

No longer am I considering a different future, i.e. staying in Virginia.  The truth is I barely remain sane day-to-day as a stay-at-home mama.  Trying to reconstruct my life in 3 months as a working single parent by choice is too stressful.  (I’m not really wanting a career change at this point.  I just wanted to avoid moving and leaving this place I love.  But the reality is Life Changes No Matter What in 3 months.)  The angst, however, filled up the few free hours of my days.  And then one morning last week, I decided that enough was enough.  Quit my bitchin’.  Of course, this change in attitude coincided with uncertain events firming up. Hubby didn’t get selected for a week-long TDY at the end of March, which significantly changed my schedule.  The uncertainty of this TDY and all the scheduling decisions that hinged on it was making me anxious.  But now, I am no longer waiting. I have stuff to do.  My few free hours of my days are spent looking at houses and trying to find childcare from a 1,000 miles away.

I am excited about the Possibility.  Even if it’s a place I’ve been before.  Surely after 5 years some things have changed?  Even in West Texas!

Although comparison gets me every time.  And Facebook, as much as I love it, vexes me.  My friend announced their orders.  They are moving to Madrid, Spain.  Excitement!  Adventure! Where’s my paper bag to breathe into?  Truly, I am happy for them.  I am, dammit!  You believe me, right?  I know we are on a completely different path.  Spain was never and will never be in our sites.  But Spain sure sounds exciting.  I am only envious….this morning (at least that’s what I’m telling myself.). 

Comparison does gets me EVERY time.  I know, I know.  I need to stop doing it.  And if anyone has practical tips on how to stop comparing, I’m all ears.  I finally chatted with my best friend after months of not.  So what if our phone call was at 10:30 at night on a Sunday after she spent most of her day at work.  Finally an uninterrupted hour for both of us to catch up, sacrificing an hour of sleep to maintain a friendship.  She is so overloaded with work and social commitments that adding one more thing just tips the scale, and not always in her favor.  I remember when I lived a similar life so regimented and full of commitments, that I was one car cutoff away from a nasty road rage incident.  I am not envious of her life, only wish her happiness and good health. 

I am still trying to find my balance.  And not compare.  And decide what I truly want.  Which changes frequently.  I resist making a commitment or to do anything that ties me down to a place or schedule, and yet a commitment to a place/career/community is exactly what I think I want.  I am no longer enamored with my military life.

After I write all this, I bore myself with my inability to change while listening to the same sad song I’ve been singing lately.  On repeat.  Life goes on and I keep on living.  Most days are good, but I always live with a tinge of “What if…”  I dislike that feeling.  I want my breakthrough “Oprah’s living the life you want” moment.  But how? Sometimes I think I just like to wallow in my moody abyss of doubt and indecision.  In fact, I’m pretty sure of it.