Here it is almost the end of January and I’m STILL
UNINSPIRED to write, share, remember or connect with others.
I am lost, struggling, uninspired, and angry.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
I don’t know how to find my way back to Self.
Thirty-something Mother of 2. Military Spouse. Unaccomplished. Unfocused.
Without a vision.
I’ve stopped dreaming of the future. This is disastrous for my psyche. For my
marriage. For my sanity.
Not that nothing makes any sense. I am still functioning. I am not so depressed that I’ve lost interest
in all things. I find joy, delight and
meaning every day . In the short-term. In the present. Mostly through my children. But when I think of the future, I become
angry. I want my life to be different. A bouquet of flowers at HIS retirement will
not be enough.
Frankly, after twelve years, I am tired of the military
lifestyle. But what I think I want, I am too afraid to initiate. What I want currently seems impractical and unrealistic.
Either way, someone will be unhappy. I
have spent most of my life chasing happiness. I am afraid to walk out to the
unknown when the chance of success and happiness are not guaranteed. And so I sit, in my comfortable life, getting
more and more miserable, as the dreamer in me disappears slowly. To pursue what I want means to not follow his
career and to follow my own path, which would certainly diverge from his. I am too risk-averse to take the plunge and I
hate myself for my own shortcoming.
His next assignment makes me feel trapped, even before I set
foot back in the State.
“You knew what you were getting into when you married the
military.” Each and every military
spouse has heard this from military and non-military alike. But I wonder, did I really know? And even if I did know, and accepted its
challenges, am I not allowed to falter? To have doubts? Or must I be totally
committed to the ups-and-downs 100% all the time?
This time I know exactly what I am moving back to, having
been there before, and it’s nothing short of stagnation. Hubby reminds me of all the good. But it’s the bad that left the bigger
impression. The old but tried-and-true
tricks of mental preparation for the upcoming move aren’t working any
more. I am not looking forward to
recreating myself. Or raising my
children there. Hubby is getting exactly
what he wants (other than a happy wife).
He is successful. I feel like I am getting handed a big bag of nothing. I
feel like a failure.
I am tired of trying to find something that’s just mine, and
mine alone, that fits into the military lifestyle. It’s hard enough to re-create myself after
being a Stay-at-Home Mom for 7+ years, wanting a complete career change from
the pre-kid version of myself and starting completely from scratch. Add the military challenges, and I’m starting
to get worn down before I even begin. I
just don’t bounce back quite as easily as I used to. The idealism of youth is fading.
I feel as if I can’t talk about my dissatisfaction with my
fellow military spouses, who I swear are programmed to be positive and
uplifting all the time. I know I am not
alone in my feelings of dissatisfaction with this lifestyle and the resulting
inadequacies it can produce, but I do think military spouses, in general,
follow a pragmatic, no-nonsense, git-r-done
attitude. “Oh? You don’t like where the military is moving
you? You knew what you were getting
yourself into when you married the military.”
Read: Quit your bitchin’ and figure
it out.
Plus we all know that we never want to be the first to admit
our own weakness. Ever. It’s hard enough to ask for help when we
genuinely need it. Asking for help usually
revolves around the logistics of living with kids, with a spouse out of the
picture--Sick kids, broken down cars, scheduling. But for me to admit an emotional weakness? My
mental anguish? Or god forbid, marital stress?
It’s nobody’s business but mine.
Until I can’t keep up appearances anymore.
It’s time to call in the professionals. To help me find me way back onto the
path. Or perhaps to help me draw a new
map for a new path.
