Imprisoned in the House of Sick – A Saturday in June

The biggest challenge for me, as a temporary single parent of young children, is leaving the house becomes an execution of strategy and planning.  Since the children obviously cannot be left alone, they must accompany me everywhere.   Constant companionship is a challenge for me as well.  Add sickness.  I can’t really go anywhere being a responsible citizen mama and limiting exposure.  The situation is not bad enough yet to seek relief.   The house, however, is beginning to feel like a prison.

Handsome Little Man has an upset stomach. 

We attempted to break free.  After he slept off  episode one for most of the morning and he ate a small lunch and claimed to feel much better, we all set off for fresh air.  Destination: Washington Harbor to walk along the Potomac.  Parking was hard to come by and before I could find a space, Little Man began to complain again.  *sigh* I don’t want a repeat incident away from home.  Back home we go.

Sometimes my motherhood experience feels like near constant vexation, punctuated with moments of joy.  I wish it were the other way around!

We made it home, just in time.  Thankfully, Little Man is being a good sport of it, with no whining.

Already this morning, I have dealt with a vomiting boy, spilled apple juice on the sofa cushion, and urine on the living room floor (although I was asking for it.  I let Diva Darling run around nude.  Potty training does not begin in earnest until after the move and we are settled).  It’s the constant clean-up that I object to.  I like clean, just not the cleaning.

Relief is en route.  However, we are not going to attempt prison break #2.  I texted the Hubby to take a taxi home.

I’m now planning my temporary escape when relief does come.  Due to the pending move 3 days away (3 days away!), our cupboards are quite bare and definitely out of stock of necessary upset stomach comfort foods and drinks.  My escape will include a quick kid-free trip to Safeway, a guilt-free snarfing of some fattening ice cream product like a Wendy’s frosty, and 10 minutes of quiet somewhere, soaking in the fresh non-humidity air and sunshine.

Good times, people!  Good times!

Does everyone have this much fun and life challenges daily as me, but I'm the only one who broadcasts my woe-is-me attitude?  Or do I just have bad mojo??

Wallowing in a Moody Abyss of Doubt and Indecision

Calm. Envy. Depression.  Anger. Solitude. Reset. Gratitude.

That has been my cycle in the past 24 hours.

Yesterday I was feeling calm because I was productive.  I was enjoying my day.  I am loathe to admit it but I was almost feeling “excited” about the upcoming move.  More so because now my days have purpose.  I have so much to do that I don’t have time to think about what I want.  I am just living, day to day, as fully as I can be.  My March Madness includes:

·         10 day Grandparents Visit

·         Parent-Teacher conferences for both kids/No school

·         Darling Diva’s Birthday

·         Cristin’s Baby Sprinkle

·         Spring Break (What to do with 2 kids for 10 days on a budget!)

·         Easter

·         Househunting/Plan upcoming trip to TX

No longer am I considering a different future, i.e. staying in Virginia.  The truth is I barely remain sane day-to-day as a stay-at-home mama.  Trying to reconstruct my life in 3 months as a working single parent by choice is too stressful.  (I’m not really wanting a career change at this point.  I just wanted to avoid moving and leaving this place I love.  But the reality is Life Changes No Matter What in 3 months.)  The angst, however, filled up the few free hours of my days.  And then one morning last week, I decided that enough was enough.  Quit my bitchin’.  Of course, this change in attitude coincided with uncertain events firming up. Hubby didn’t get selected for a week-long TDY at the end of March, which significantly changed my schedule.  The uncertainty of this TDY and all the scheduling decisions that hinged on it was making me anxious.  But now, I am no longer waiting. I have stuff to do.  My few free hours of my days are spent looking at houses and trying to find childcare from a 1,000 miles away.

I am excited about the Possibility.  Even if it’s a place I’ve been before.  Surely after 5 years some things have changed?  Even in West Texas!

Although comparison gets me every time.  And Facebook, as much as I love it, vexes me.  My friend announced their orders.  They are moving to Madrid, Spain.  Excitement!  Adventure! Where’s my paper bag to breathe into?  Truly, I am happy for them.  I am, dammit!  You believe me, right?  I know we are on a completely different path.  Spain was never and will never be in our sites.  But Spain sure sounds exciting.  I am only envious….this morning (at least that’s what I’m telling myself.). 

Comparison does gets me EVERY time.  I know, I know.  I need to stop doing it.  And if anyone has practical tips on how to stop comparing, I’m all ears.  I finally chatted with my best friend after months of not.  So what if our phone call was at 10:30 at night on a Sunday after she spent most of her day at work.  Finally an uninterrupted hour for both of us to catch up, sacrificing an hour of sleep to maintain a friendship.  She is so overloaded with work and social commitments that adding one more thing just tips the scale, and not always in her favor.  I remember when I lived a similar life so regimented and full of commitments, that I was one car cutoff away from a nasty road rage incident.  I am not envious of her life, only wish her happiness and good health. 

I am still trying to find my balance.  And not compare.  And decide what I truly want.  Which changes frequently.  I resist making a commitment or to do anything that ties me down to a place or schedule, and yet a commitment to a place/career/community is exactly what I think I want.  I am no longer enamored with my military life.

After I write all this, I bore myself with my inability to change while listening to the same sad song I’ve been singing lately.  On repeat.  Life goes on and I keep on living.  Most days are good, but I always live with a tinge of “What if…”  I dislike that feeling.  I want my breakthrough “Oprah’s living the life you want” moment.  But how? Sometimes I think I just like to wallow in my moody abyss of doubt and indecision.  In fact, I’m pretty sure of it.

Deployment Demons Rather Like Temptations

I dared to ask “What else?”  

I wasn’t really taunting them.  More like, I was asking in desperation for the shenanigans to stop.  For the evil eye of chaos and challenge to look elsewhere. Basically for the demons to stop snickering and messing with me and to find somebody new.  (Not that I really want to pass the “fun” onto the next milspouse, but seriously, I have already taken several for the team.)  My brain hurts from the mental exercises of finding solutions to all these challenges.  

You know how they say you see a person’s true colors when the chips are down?  How a person handles adversity shows their character? Let’s just say, I yell and curse a lot.  I probably should have my blood pressure checked.  I’m probably an excellent candidate for meditation classes.

I asked “What else?”,  and the Deployment Demons responded.  Not once, but twice. In rapid succession.  (1) Debit Card Locked.  (2)  Bent Car Key, now Inoperable.  Oh yes, I am serious.  VERY serious.

My brain short-circuited earlier in the week, and I couldn’t remember my PIN to my debit card.  I think I entered my PIN from years ago but apparently after 3 attempts, the system temporarily locks you out from re-entering your PIN.  After 7 failed transactions, it locks your card entirely.  This memory malfunction started last Wednesday, a day after the dashboard light appeared, and the day I spent most of my child-free time at the auto service department.  I gratefully had a much-needed Gals Night Out at Coco Sala for DC Restaurant Week.  However, after dinner I couldn’t withdraw money from the ATM for the babysitter.  Gah! Thankfully my girlfriend (not awesome neighbor Sylvia but another awesome friend, a fellow milspouse) bailed me out.  I didn’t use my debit card again until Saturday at the supermarket. The transaction was denied.  Here I am with a cartload of groceries, 2 hungry kids, no cash, and a debit card transaction denied.  Um, can we say Embarrassing!  Thank you, handy dandy credit card to the rescue!  And thank you, my awesome bank who has customer service representatives working hard on Saturday nights.  Card unlocked; PIN reset.  

My Faith restored.  My World intact.  And I was on my merry little way UNTIL the next morning.

Does something look not quite right in this picture?

Hmm.  How in the world did that happen?  Car key is bent.  We are sitting in the car getting ready for our Sunday church adventure and I’m wondering why my key won’t work. I can’t insert it into the ignition.  I can’t bend it back straight.  I now have an inoperable car.  Perfect, just perfect.  Deep breath.  Ok, cursing actually.  Yes, I know it’s a Sunday.  Yes, I believe that God will understand.  I think He even may have personally heard me loud and clear a few times while I sat in the driveway.  And then more deep breaths.

This time it’s a quick fix.  I *think* I know where the spare car key is.  After a very quick search, I find the spare key.  I am woman, hear me roar!  ROAR!

My Faith restored.  My World intact.  And I was on my merry little way.

I haven’t asked “What else?”.  It’s thankfully been a quiet week.