Calm. Envy. Depression.
Anger. Solitude. Reset. Gratitude.
That has been my cycle in the past 24 hours.
Yesterday I was feeling calm because I was productive. I was enjoying my day. I am loathe to admit it but I was almost
feeling “excited” about the upcoming move.
More so because now my days have purpose. I have so much to do that I don’t have time
to think about what I want. I am just
living, day to day, as fully as I can be.
My March Madness includes:
·
10 day Grandparents Visit
·
Parent-Teacher conferences for both kids/No
school
·
Darling Diva’s Birthday
·
Cristin’s Baby Sprinkle
·
Spring Break (What to do with 2 kids for 10 days
on a budget!)
·
Easter
·
Househunting/Plan upcoming trip to TX
No longer am I considering a different future, i.e. staying
in Virginia. The truth is I barely
remain sane day-to-day as a stay-at-home mama.
Trying to reconstruct my life in 3 months as a working single parent by choice is too stressful. (I’m not really wanting a career change at
this point. I just wanted to avoid
moving and leaving this place I love.
But the reality is Life Changes No Matter What in 3 months.) The angst, however, filled up the few free
hours of my days. And then one morning
last week, I decided that enough was enough.
Quit my bitchin’. Of course, this
change in attitude coincided with uncertain events firming up. Hubby didn’t get
selected for a week-long TDY at the end of March, which significantly changed
my schedule. The uncertainty of this TDY
and all the scheduling decisions that hinged on it was making me anxious. But now, I am no longer waiting. I have stuff
to do. My few free hours of my days are
spent looking at houses and trying to find childcare from a 1,000 miles away.
I am excited about the Possibility. Even if it’s a place I’ve been before. Surely after 5 years some things have
changed? Even in West Texas!
Although comparison gets me every time. And Facebook, as much as I love it, vexes me. My friend announced their orders. They are moving to Madrid, Spain. Excitement!
Adventure! Where’s my paper bag to breathe into? Truly, I am happy for them. I am, dammit!
You believe me, right? I know we
are on a completely different path.
Spain was never and will never be in our sites. But Spain sure sounds exciting. I am only envious….this morning (at least
that’s what I’m telling myself.).
Comparison does gets me EVERY time. I know, I know. I need to stop doing it. And if anyone has practical tips on how to
stop comparing, I’m all ears. I finally
chatted with my best friend after months of not. So what if our phone call was at 10:30 at
night on a Sunday after she spent most of her day at work. Finally an uninterrupted hour for both of us to
catch up, sacrificing an hour of sleep to maintain a friendship. She is so overloaded with work and social
commitments that adding one more thing just tips the scale, and not always in
her favor. I remember when I lived a similar
life so regimented and full of commitments, that I was one car cutoff away from
a nasty road rage incident. I am not
envious of her life, only wish her happiness and good health.
I am still trying to find my balance. And not compare. And decide what I truly want. Which changes frequently. I resist making a commitment or to do
anything that ties me down to a place or schedule, and yet a commitment to a
place/career/community is exactly what I think I want. I am no longer enamored with my military
life.
After I write all this, I bore myself with my inability to
change while listening to the same sad song I’ve been singing lately. On repeat.
Life goes on and I keep on living.
Most days are good, but I always live with a tinge of “What if…” I dislike that feeling. I want my breakthrough “Oprah’s living the
life you want” moment. But how?
Sometimes I think I just like to wallow in my moody abyss of doubt and
indecision. In fact, I’m pretty sure of
it.
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