Wallowing in a Moody Abyss of Doubt and Indecision

Calm. Envy. Depression.  Anger. Solitude. Reset. Gratitude.

That has been my cycle in the past 24 hours.

Yesterday I was feeling calm because I was productive.  I was enjoying my day.  I am loathe to admit it but I was almost feeling “excited” about the upcoming move.  More so because now my days have purpose.  I have so much to do that I don’t have time to think about what I want.  I am just living, day to day, as fully as I can be.  My March Madness includes:

·         10 day Grandparents Visit

·         Parent-Teacher conferences for both kids/No school

·         Darling Diva’s Birthday

·         Cristin’s Baby Sprinkle

·         Spring Break (What to do with 2 kids for 10 days on a budget!)

·         Easter

·         Househunting/Plan upcoming trip to TX

No longer am I considering a different future, i.e. staying in Virginia.  The truth is I barely remain sane day-to-day as a stay-at-home mama.  Trying to reconstruct my life in 3 months as a working single parent by choice is too stressful.  (I’m not really wanting a career change at this point.  I just wanted to avoid moving and leaving this place I love.  But the reality is Life Changes No Matter What in 3 months.)  The angst, however, filled up the few free hours of my days.  And then one morning last week, I decided that enough was enough.  Quit my bitchin’.  Of course, this change in attitude coincided with uncertain events firming up. Hubby didn’t get selected for a week-long TDY at the end of March, which significantly changed my schedule.  The uncertainty of this TDY and all the scheduling decisions that hinged on it was making me anxious.  But now, I am no longer waiting. I have stuff to do.  My few free hours of my days are spent looking at houses and trying to find childcare from a 1,000 miles away.

I am excited about the Possibility.  Even if it’s a place I’ve been before.  Surely after 5 years some things have changed?  Even in West Texas!

Although comparison gets me every time.  And Facebook, as much as I love it, vexes me.  My friend announced their orders.  They are moving to Madrid, Spain.  Excitement!  Adventure! Where’s my paper bag to breathe into?  Truly, I am happy for them.  I am, dammit!  You believe me, right?  I know we are on a completely different path.  Spain was never and will never be in our sites.  But Spain sure sounds exciting.  I am only envious….this morning (at least that’s what I’m telling myself.). 

Comparison does gets me EVERY time.  I know, I know.  I need to stop doing it.  And if anyone has practical tips on how to stop comparing, I’m all ears.  I finally chatted with my best friend after months of not.  So what if our phone call was at 10:30 at night on a Sunday after she spent most of her day at work.  Finally an uninterrupted hour for both of us to catch up, sacrificing an hour of sleep to maintain a friendship.  She is so overloaded with work and social commitments that adding one more thing just tips the scale, and not always in her favor.  I remember when I lived a similar life so regimented and full of commitments, that I was one car cutoff away from a nasty road rage incident.  I am not envious of her life, only wish her happiness and good health. 

I am still trying to find my balance.  And not compare.  And decide what I truly want.  Which changes frequently.  I resist making a commitment or to do anything that ties me down to a place or schedule, and yet a commitment to a place/career/community is exactly what I think I want.  I am no longer enamored with my military life.

After I write all this, I bore myself with my inability to change while listening to the same sad song I’ve been singing lately.  On repeat.  Life goes on and I keep on living.  Most days are good, but I always live with a tinge of “What if…”  I dislike that feeling.  I want my breakthrough “Oprah’s living the life you want” moment.  But how? Sometimes I think I just like to wallow in my moody abyss of doubt and indecision.  In fact, I’m pretty sure of it.

Pre-Move Transition: Feelings of Indifference

Time is marching on.  I have just 3 months before life, the life I have created for this space & time and cultivated for the past 3 years, changes again.  We are moving back to Hell Texas in June.  I have pulled out the moving checklist.

The emotional transition has started.  Which means I am starting to disassociate myself from this place that I love.  I am starting the shutdown, severing ties, no longer reaching out or building community.  Soon life will be all about tying up loose ends.

I’m not quite at the point of thinking “This will be the last time I’m here.”  But I have noted the mental list of all those things I should try to do before I go and all the people I should see one last time before I head out.

Of course, this is also when my “job” kicks into high gear.  While maintaining the home front, providing the kids with the illusion of control and calm, I need to look ahead and envision life at the next place.  I am responsible for securing our next housing situation over a 1,000 miles away.  Where to live.  Schools.  Commute.  Childcare.

Things I will miss:

Veteran's Day 2012 Morning Run

Who's your crawdaddy?

Moms Night Out in Clarendon. Not quite our crowd (too young!)

 Mt Vernon

From South Dakota to DC, a reunion 10 years later

Exhibit at the Museum of Natural History

1. I will miss my 5-mile radius world that include seeing the Washington Monument, the contrails of the Air Force Memorial, the Pentagon, the view along the George Washington Parkway practically every day.  I will miss that one wrong turn and oops! I am in DC. 
2.  I will miss my incredibly awesome neighbor Sylvia who has been my lifeline during this deployment. But also because she’s become a true friend with whom we have shared our true fabulous selves, when the I-have-my-shit-together façade crumbles, when we let the other in to see us when we think no one is looking.  Plus, at the bus stop, on our walks, through our texts, and many coffee pick-me-up dates, she has listened to the crazy, the hypochondria, and the schemes with kindness, with acceptance, and always with humor.  I think she will get the I-will-miss-you-the-most award hands down. 
3. I will miss my friend Cristin and am sad we won’t be able to marvel about motherhood and marriage and lament why no one prepared us for this, all the while eating our way across NoVA.
4.  I will miss taking Handsome Little Man to the Natural History Museum.  We have been there so many times, Little Man could be a tour guide.
5.  I will miss my church.  Finally a place to breathe and question without judgment.   A place to grow, share, and build community.  I love my small intergenerational fellowship group as we study, embrace, and practice peace.  I will miss the challenge of teaching young children.  I will miss the lessons I learned from the wolf-in-sheep’s-clothing.  Finally, I will miss committing to something larger than myself (The first time I have ever been a member of a church.).
6.  I will miss my stylists, Tom & Masis at Ebru Salon, who make me look fabulous.  I walk out of the salon and it’s just like a hair commercial.  Gorgeous, silky hair that I flip back and these luscious locks make me flash my most dazzling smile because I know I look that good.  (We all know that finding a stylist who gets you is always the hardest part about a relocation.  Hey, a gal has beauty standards to maintain!) I took a chance with a blind walk-in one day and couldn’t be happier.  
7. I will miss my Wild Streak Adventure.  Never to be re-created.  
8. I will miss my routine of Lebanese Taverna, my neighborhood Starbucks, my neighborhood toy store, and Homemade Pizza on Friday nights.
9. I will miss my coffee dates and moms night out with all my friends, old and new, that I have gathered on the journey thus far, many with whom I have reconnected because our paths converged again:  Joanna, Kristen, Amber, Brittney, Danielle, Jen P, Lisa H, Elaine. 
10. Most of all, I will miss the world of possibility that this place has to offer.  To me, DC Metro offers a glimpse of what could be if only I’d make up my mind.  I will miss the sense of adventure.  You could live here a lifetime and always be discovering. A breath of fresh air.  A place I feel I belong.  I am not a Nobody and not a “Somebody”.  I just am and it is wonderful.

The truth is we milspouses work so hard to create a fulfilling life at each new assignment, and then just like that, we have to give it up.  Start over.  It’s a loss.  And I’ve been grieving ever since Hubby told me back in December that we were moving.  It’s a process.  This time around I feel it acutely and it’s taking longer than “normal” to bounce back.  I am no longer intensely angry (ok, ok, I am still angry that I have to go back to TX, just not murderously angry anymore).  I am just grieving, working on accepting what is, and will eventually move on. 

I am, however, still not ready to face the cheerleaders about the bright side of moving.  Of all the opportunity of moving back.  Spare me the positivity and enthusiasm for another month or so.  At least wait until it’s spring and I’m in a reasonably good mood because of the weather. 

Deployment Demons Rather Like Temptations

I dared to ask “What else?”  

I wasn’t really taunting them.  More like, I was asking in desperation for the shenanigans to stop.  For the evil eye of chaos and challenge to look elsewhere. Basically for the demons to stop snickering and messing with me and to find somebody new.  (Not that I really want to pass the “fun” onto the next milspouse, but seriously, I have already taken several for the team.)  My brain hurts from the mental exercises of finding solutions to all these challenges.  

You know how they say you see a person’s true colors when the chips are down?  How a person handles adversity shows their character? Let’s just say, I yell and curse a lot.  I probably should have my blood pressure checked.  I’m probably an excellent candidate for meditation classes.

I asked “What else?”,  and the Deployment Demons responded.  Not once, but twice. In rapid succession.  (1) Debit Card Locked.  (2)  Bent Car Key, now Inoperable.  Oh yes, I am serious.  VERY serious.

My brain short-circuited earlier in the week, and I couldn’t remember my PIN to my debit card.  I think I entered my PIN from years ago but apparently after 3 attempts, the system temporarily locks you out from re-entering your PIN.  After 7 failed transactions, it locks your card entirely.  This memory malfunction started last Wednesday, a day after the dashboard light appeared, and the day I spent most of my child-free time at the auto service department.  I gratefully had a much-needed Gals Night Out at Coco Sala for DC Restaurant Week.  However, after dinner I couldn’t withdraw money from the ATM for the babysitter.  Gah! Thankfully my girlfriend (not awesome neighbor Sylvia but another awesome friend, a fellow milspouse) bailed me out.  I didn’t use my debit card again until Saturday at the supermarket. The transaction was denied.  Here I am with a cartload of groceries, 2 hungry kids, no cash, and a debit card transaction denied.  Um, can we say Embarrassing!  Thank you, handy dandy credit card to the rescue!  And thank you, my awesome bank who has customer service representatives working hard on Saturday nights.  Card unlocked; PIN reset.  

My Faith restored.  My World intact.  And I was on my merry little way UNTIL the next morning.

Does something look not quite right in this picture?

Hmm.  How in the world did that happen?  Car key is bent.  We are sitting in the car getting ready for our Sunday church adventure and I’m wondering why my key won’t work. I can’t insert it into the ignition.  I can’t bend it back straight.  I now have an inoperable car.  Perfect, just perfect.  Deep breath.  Ok, cursing actually.  Yes, I know it’s a Sunday.  Yes, I believe that God will understand.  I think He even may have personally heard me loud and clear a few times while I sat in the driveway.  And then more deep breaths.

This time it’s a quick fix.  I *think* I know where the spare car key is.  After a very quick search, I find the spare key.  I am woman, hear me roar!  ROAR!

My Faith restored.  My World intact.  And I was on my merry little way.

I haven’t asked “What else?”.  It’s thankfully been a quiet week.